MILLIE

May 23, 2018

“I’m bored,” said Millie.

“Why don’t you take the elephant for a walk, or feed the cobras, or practice your potions, or cast spells? You like to cast spells. Go into the garden and cast spells,” suggested Millie’s mother, Brunna, hunched over the cauldron, busily stirring.

“What garden? We don’t even have a garden,” said Millie.

“Exactly,” said Brunna, winking and showing her tooth with a crooked smile.

“Oh,” said Millie, and she went outside to peer at the mud, the rocks, and the bent dead trees strangled with vines.

Three hours, eight spells, and fourteen potions later, a lovely garden surrounded the witchly hut home. Millie drooped back inside, casting her wand aside with a shrug and a sigh.

“I’m still bored,” she said. “Nothing ever happens.”

Brunna, without looking, tossed spangles from her cloak pocket at Millie. Millie was a rickety stick creature with soft yellow feelers.

“This is more like it!” thought Millie, and she wobbled stiffly and happily all around the garden.

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GALAXIES

May 22, 2018

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I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE UP

May 21, 2018

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – FRANCIS THE TALKING MULE

May 20, 2018

Loon: The Lords of the 4th Dimension must think it is funny to send for the 3 Question Interview the ghost of a talking mule named Francis. I’m not insulted. A job is a job. At the end of the day, I get my platter of chick peas and a bed to sleep in. So on with the show. You look more like a horse than a mule. What is the difference between a horse and a mule anyway?

Ghost of Francis (chewing straw or something): …

Loon: Talking mule, yeah, right. Cat got your tongue?

Ghost of Francis (chews): …

Loon: Okay, okay, let’s get this over with. Was there ever a lefthanded hitting catcher who wore glasses?

Ghost of Francis: Yes. Carl Sawatski, for one.

Loon: I quit.

Ghost of Francis: As well you should.

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EXCERPT FROM AN EARTHWORM’S DIARY

May 19, 2018

May 19 – processed dirt. avoided bird’s notice by maintaining silent rigidity. processed more dirt.

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THE LORETTA YOUNG KWIZ ANSWER

May 18, 2018

Loretta was an excellent bowler.

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THE LORETTA YOUNG KWIZ

May 17, 2018

When Loretta was this young:

a. she bowled the first of her eventual 8 perfect 300 games.

b. she piloted a glider to Catalina.

c. she caught a swordfish by the sword.

d. she went over Niagara Falls in a specially designed hoop skirt.

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RECIPE FOR GIANT BREAD

May 16, 2018

2 cups ground Englishman bones

3 golden goose eggs

1 pinch nutmeg

1 tablespoon adder yeast

1 cup bat milk

Break the eggs into a bowl, saving the shells to deposit in the bank later. Whip yeast into milk. Add to eggs. Stir to a froth. Add ground bones and nutmeg. Mix, knead, and craft into baking pan. Set on hearth in front of roaring fire. Stab with dagger after 1/2 hour. If blade is clean, bread is baked. Set on sill for five miutes. Devour.

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LYLE PERSEPHONE

May 15, 2018

When Lyle Persephone strummed his mandolin while wandering along the lane, the lane emptied. When he took to the stage of the opera house, mandolin in hand, the opera house emptied. Is it any wonder that the king sought a volunteer to snatch Lyle’s mandolin. The fact that nobody volunteered was understandable, for Lyle was fierce and widely known to be incredibly dangerous. That is why Pedge, the Fool, was assigned the task.

With only a hey-nonny-no and a funny hat to aid him, Pedge confronted Lyle at the abandoned mill.

“I don’t suppose it’s true that mandolin strumming is really fun for a long time, and then suddenly you die, nonny-no,” said Pedge.

“Zounds,” commented Lyle, dropping the mandolin and running away.

Pedge was rewarded by not being garroted.

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STRESSING WHAT IS IMPORTANT

May 14, 2018

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