THE SVENGALI KWIZ

April 24, 2014
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svengali

Taking on the role of Svengali, John Barrymore stayed in character by:

a. running amok through a local dairy.

b. hypnotizing ravens to do his bidding.

c. poking random strangers in the eye with his beard.

d. igniting small brush fires with his gaze.

e. beginning each day by eating a bowl of swan’s eyes.

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FRED DAFFODIL, PRIVATE EYE

April 22, 2014
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2014-04-21 10.04.43

Morning slapped me like a deranged walrus. My brain felt like it had been chopped and pureed by a band of angry aphids wielding barbed flails.

‘You’re an angel,’ I croaked when Wanda, my secretary, whose petals had seen the seedier side of the San Fernando Valley, poured a pitcher of gin down my face.

‘Freddy,’ she cooed, ‘you’re late for the stakeout.’

I nodded good-bye, almost losing my hammer deadened sense of balance and previous Tuesday’s lunch as I left the office.

The stakeout turned up nothing. And so, ever and alas, another day trampled into the vault of dusty uselessness here in the malevolent bowel I call home.

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – GOGOL

April 20, 2014

Loon: We have a writer I think I’ve heard of today for the 3 question interview, Mr. Nick Gogol. Tell me, Nick, is there a question you would like me to ask?

Gogol’s ghost: The Roman Nose Replacement saluted his inner thigh.

Loon: Did he?

Gogol’s ghost: Not really, but he should have.

Loon: Do you have anything final to add?

Gogol’s ghost: Da and Nyet, my traveling companion oat screen repairmen are basking in the other room.

Loon and Gogol’s ghost engage in staring contest for the next two hours. Neither wins because at the exact moment when the loon passes out, Gogol explodes.

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IF YOU GOT IT, FLAUNT IT

April 19, 2014

2014-04-18 10.54.21

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HENDERSON

April 17, 2014
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Henderson rose from the chair, advanced to the center of the room, paused, thrust his right leg forward, and stood stock still for a time balanced in this peculiar manner.
‘I do this sometimes,’ he said before he returned to the chair.
His guests departed rapidly.

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TRICKSTER SENTENCE

April 15, 2014

Peaches Lamborghini delicately slipped the dagger between the ribs of the umbrella.

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NEW FROM OLD

April 14, 2014

2014-04-09 11.31.56

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – CHARLES DARWIN

April 13, 2014

Loon: Today for the 3 question interview we have a distinguished looking bearded gentleman, a Mister Charles Darwin, I am informed. Tell me, Mr. Darwin, are those boots comfortable?

Darwin’s ghost: To be forthright, they are slightly snug.

Loon: Following up on that, have you ever spilled honey onto your beard?

Darwin’s ghost: You are remarkable, sir. Honey in my beard is quite the next thing to a daily occurrence.

Loon: And finally, are lemons your favorite fruit?

Darwin’s ghost: No.

Loon: Thank you. Come back next week when we’ll probe the depths of yet another famous ghost.

(Loon strolls off. Darwin evolves through wall.)

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RABE MEADOW

April 12, 2014

2014-04-11 12.13.32

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THE JP MORGAN KWIZ ANSWER

April 11, 2014

What can I say? He had a strict cook. No dessert if you don’t finish your vegetables.

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