Loon: Today for the 3 question interview, I…
(Ghosts of Hatfields and McCoys crash through ceiling, punching, biting, kicking.)
Loon (shouting): Wait a min…
(Loon goes down after taking a left to the jaw from a particularly burly Hatfield maiden.)
Loon (raises head, groggy): What’s the big idea? This is no…
(Loon jackknifes in agony as a McCoy knee to the groin strikes true.)
(Tumbling, cursing, flailing, eye gouging ghosts of Hatfields and McCoys take their never ending battle through the floor away and gone.)
Early on in Ulysses, when Mr. Bloom sits down to his breakfast of pan seared kidney, we see him:
chewing with discernment the toothsome pliant meat.
Hef almost bought the farm when Gypsy leaped out of his sock drawer.
This is a rare life size photo of the leprechaun Gypsy Boots’ head. His most famous prank:
a. was that time he hid in Hugh Hefner’s sock drawer and yelled ‘Bugga bugga!’ when Hugh opened the drawer.
b. involved sugar, gasoline, miniature marshmallows, a few matches, and Ken Kesey’s bus.
c. had the authorities in Lompoc searching for the source of the stench for weeks.
d. took place in an alternate universe when he miniaturized and held prisoner in his beard Timothy Leary and Anita Bryant.
Loon: Today for the 3 Question Interview, I’d like to welcome the ghost of Dale Carnegie, a celebrity I have never heard of. Mr. Carnegie, why are you famous?
Carnegie’s ghost: That’s for me to know and you to find out. By the way, just curious, did you salvage the clothes you’re wearing from a pool of elephant vomit? ‘Cause that’s sure what it looks like.
Loon: Huh? I … Let me ask this. Did you invent something?
Carnegie’s ghost: About your face, it’s ugly, you know. It’s at moments like this I wish I’d invented a face de-uglifier.
Loon: Oh. Did you invent a kind of cheese?
Carnegie’s ghost: What’s with the invention obsession? In a battle of wits, you’d lose to an oat. (cartwheels through the ceiling)
Loon: He must have been an unhappy cheese inventor. (shrugs) See you next week.
I wish that I could see the people’s faces as they look in amazement at me, a man made of inner tubes, a dark tornado that can save them from drowning.
A perfectly clear statement needing no explanation from me.
Fair warning – She’s a soul snatcher.