April 24, 2014
Taking on the role of Svengali, John Barrymore stayed in character by:
a. running amok through a local dairy.
b. hypnotizing ravens to do his bidding.
c. poking random strangers in the eye with his beard.
d. igniting small brush fires with his gaze.
e. beginning each day by eating a bowl of swan’s eyes.
April 22, 2014
Morning slapped me like a deranged walrus. My brain felt like it had been chopped and pureed by a band of angry aphids wielding barbed flails.
‘You’re an angel,’ I croaked when Wanda, my secretary, whose petals had seen the seedier side of the San Fernando Valley, poured a pitcher of gin down my face.
‘Freddy,’ she cooed, ‘you’re late for the stakeout.’
I nodded good-bye, almost losing my hammer deadened sense of balance and previous Tuesday’s lunch as I left the office.
The stakeout turned up nothing. And so, ever and alas, another day trampled into the vault of dusty uselessness here in the malevolent bowel I call home.
April 20, 2014
Loon: We have a writer I think I’ve heard of today for the 3 question interview, Mr. Nick Gogol. Tell me, Nick, is there a question you would like me to ask?
Gogol’s ghost: The Roman Nose Replacement saluted his inner thigh.
Loon: Did he?
Gogol’s ghost: Not really, but he should have.
Loon: Do you have anything final to add?
Gogol’s ghost: Da and Nyet, my traveling companion oat screen repairmen are basking in the other room.
Loon and Gogol’s ghost engage in staring contest for the next two hours. Neither wins because at the exact moment when the loon passes out, Gogol explodes.
April 17, 2014
Henderson rose from the chair, advanced to the center of the room, paused, thrust his right leg forward, and stood stock still for a time balanced in this peculiar manner.
‘I do this sometimes,’ he said before he returned to the chair.
His guests departed rapidly.
April 15, 2014
Peaches Lamborghini delicately slipped the dagger between the ribs of the umbrella.
April 13, 2014
Loon: Today for the 3 question interview we have a distinguished looking bearded gentleman, a Mister Charles Darwin, I am informed. Tell me, Mr. Darwin, are those boots comfortable?
Darwin’s ghost: To be forthright, they are slightly snug.
Loon: Following up on that, have you ever spilled honey onto your beard?
Darwin’s ghost: You are remarkable, sir. Honey in my beard is quite the next thing to a daily occurrence.
Loon: And finally, are lemons your favorite fruit?
Darwin’s ghost: No.
Loon: Thank you. Come back next week when we’ll probe the depths of yet another famous ghost.
(Loon strolls off. Darwin evolves through wall.)
April 11, 2014
What can I say? He had a strict cook. No dessert if you don’t finish your vegetables.