BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – PHILOMENA PLANT

September 24, 2017

Loon: The Lords of the 4th Dimension are on vacation and failed to deliver a ghost to submit to the 3 Question Interview. Relying on my own integrity, I was forced to search for any ghost whatsoever and found this one, Philomena Plant, hiding in a crevice in the attic. Without further ado, Philomena, what is the main benefit in being a ghost?

Philomena Plant’s ghost: Sandwiches.

Loon: Sandwiches?

Philomena Plant’s ghost: Yes.

Loon: Why?

Philomena Plant’s ghost: Why not?

(Loon furrows brow. Philomena Plant drifts back to the attic crevice.)

0

WHITE MOUNTAIN

September 23, 2017

Euphonia Gasp stormed into the witch’s cottage and flung a worn out shoe against the wall. Then she flung another worn out shoe against the other wall. The witch glanced up from her sewing and smiled.

‘I take it you haven’t succeeded in finding White Mountain,’ said the witch.

‘No. There’s no such thing. You lied. I found Pink Mountain, Blue Mountain, even Yellow And Black Striped Mountain. You lied. The White Mountain treasure does not exist. You lied, you liar,’ said Euphonia Gasp.

Fortunately for Euphonia, the witch was amused, and in her eyes the merriest of twinkles danced.

‘Tut, tut, tut, my dear,’ said the witch. ‘I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I will repair your shoes and give you a hint.’

So saying, the witch waved her right hand, the one holding needle and thread, in a complicated pattern as if she was leading an orchestra into battle. The flung worn out shoes leaped fully repaired to Euphonia and bounced off her stomach.

‘Oof,’ said Euphonia, and she stepped into the newly lovely shoes. ‘What’s the hint?’

‘Treasure is found when least you look. Bind your fortune to a long lost book,’ said the witch.

‘That’s it. That’s the clue?’ said Euphonia, and she barely suppressed the urge to remove and fling her shoes. Instead, she turned and left the cottage, muttering, ‘Long lost book, long lost book.’

‘Wow. She fell for it again. I can’t believe it,’ said the witch’s cat, sliding out from behind the sewing basket. ‘Why do you keep torturing her year after year?’

‘I’m a witch. It’s what I do,’ said the witch, and she hummed a happy tune as she returned to her sewing.

0

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH KWIZ ANSWER

September 22, 2017

The tall guy’s comment about the lady’s hat was meant to be a compliment.

0

THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH KWIZ

September 21, 2017

In the situation pictured, the little lady is obviously:

a. pointing the gun at the wrong guy.

b. drunk.

c. unaware that she is deep in a trance.

d. overreacting to a perceived insult.

0

UNDER THE MICROSCOPE

September 20, 2017

0

TICO, THE TACO

September 19, 2017

Tico, the taco, had a dearth of life. He was eaten shortly after his creation.

Lost were the glorious contributions he might have made to the nation.

0

TENWILLETT

September 18, 2017

‘I’m going,’ said Tenwillett. ‘Some fool has to get the supplies, and it might as well be me.’

‘You mustn’t,’ said Lila, but not forcefully.

The rest of the dregs trapped in the cabin averted their gazes to contemplate the warped floor of the hastily built shack. Outside, the wind howled. A sneer curled a dance on Tenwillett’s lips. He wrenched open the door and threw himself out into the storm.

Staggering bend and flap toward the trail, Tenwillett knew he must succeed or die. With a light laugh, he turned toward the original landing site and pushed on. Hunched, head down, he moved, but after an eternity of fifteen minutes, something changed. What was it? Ah, the roar of the storm had suddenly dampened to silence. The wind had fallen away to stillness. Tenwillett raised his head. The snow still fell, but peacefully, dreamily. And what was that strange orange light? What were those floating blobs of pale color behind the curtain of snow?

‘We are here, but you shouldn’t be,’ sang a soft chorus.

I knew I must succeed or die, but dang it, I thought for sure I would succeed was Tenwillett’s last thought.

I knew he must succeed or die, but dang it, I thought for sure he would succeed were the final thoughts of Lila and the dregs.

The floating blobs continued to live peacefully forever.

0

BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – BUFFALO BILL

September 17, 2017

Loon: My guest today for the 3 Question Interview is the ghost of Buffalo Bill. Mr. Bill, were you acquainted with many buffaloes?

Buffalo Bill’s ghost: Yes, sir, I surely was.

Loon: I’m not surprised because of your name. And were any of the buffaloes you met able to talk?

Buffalo Bill’s ghost: Not so as you’d notice, particularly when I was through with ’em.

Loon: Ah. Finally, what material is that hat made of?

Buffalo Bill’s ghost: Cured entrails.

(Loon vomits. Buffalo Bill’s ghost roars with laughter.)

0

DOTTY DETAIL

September 16, 2017

0

THE KIM NOVAK KWIZ ANSWER

September 15, 2017

Kim and Py, her cat, were most decidedly not fans of Uncle Miltie.

0