February 25, 2010

Monty: Now you can have this DVD of Into the Woods featuring the original Broadway cast with Tony Award winning actress Joanna Gleason, or you can have what’s behind the curtain. What’ll it be, Helen?

Audience of people dressed as robots, cats, toasters, melons, a salt shaker, Abraham Lincoln, a bunch of grapes, a chimney, pinking shears, etc.: ‘DVD!’ ‘Curtain!’ ‘Curtain!’ ‘Take the curtain!’ ‘The DVD!’

Woman in chicken costume (when shouting subsides): I’ll take the curtain, Monty.

Monty: Are you sure? Joanna Gleason? Tony Award winner?

Woman in chicken costume (nibbling the index finger of her left hand, fisted): The curtain.

Monty: All right, Helen, but first let me show you what you passed up. I open this DVD, and what do I see? Ladies and gentlemen, here are two crisp one billion dollar bills. (monumental moan from the audience. Woman in chicken suit blinks and sways. Monty supports her.) And now, open the curtain. Helen, you have won a year’s supply of dental floss. I’m sorry, my dear.

Woman in chicken costume (as she falls): Floss? (dies.)

Monty (hissing through clenched teeth): Serves you right for rejecting my daughter.

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