July 5, 2010

1. Go to California and cause a grove of giant redwoods to be leveled somewhere near Scotia.

2. On the day of the ceremony, friends and family should slip silently into the fallen grove disguised as a herd of elk.

3. Spouses to be should arrive wearing gamy salmon costumes.

4. Preacher/rabbi/holy man/civil servant/licensed masseuse, gowned in Spanish leather, prepares to perform the ceremony by allowing the best man (cheeping like a recently hatched chick) to unmold a lime jello onto his/her/its head.

5. The preacher/etc. may speak only if the jello remains perched atop his/her/its skull. If it falls off, he/she/it must remain silent until the best man retrieves and replaces it.

6. The preacher/etc. opens the proceedings by peeing on a mitten, and then says anything at all in 25 words or fewer.

7.The crazy kids getting hitched exchange heated vows, don waxed lips, nose and glasses. They distribute pickles and gatling guns to the needy.

8. The reception is held in a building shaped like a pustule.

9. The menu should consist of jellied antelope nares in fox sauce, eyelid pudding with fox sauce, buffalo haunch swimming in a sea of fox sauce, oak root shavings and pine needles in fox sauce, extra fox sauce. To prepare fox sauce, puree one small fox.

10. The bill for this wedding will be staggering. The toughest guy in each family is chosen. They fight. Losers pay.

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