THE TULA ELLIS FINKLEA KWIZ

March 14, 2019

Tula:

a. was a renowned Washington political broker and hostess.

b. ran several houses of ill repute.

c. was for many years chaperone at the Miss America pageant.

d. loved to dance.

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NEMESIS

March 13, 2019

nemesis

false innocence

lovely seducer

the poison waits

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THE BEAST’S PARTY

March 12, 2019

The beast with five eyes entertained lavishly, sparing no expense. Chandeliers hung from chandeliers. Each footman was issued a pair of smiling Irish eyes and a gold-studded thermometer. Every member of the kitchen staff was frosted with live minks. On arrival, guests were dipped in a large vat of chocolate and ushered into the main ballroom to be licked by wolves. The 320 piece orchestra played requests, most of which were ‘Help me, I’m being licked by wolves.’ The evening’s successful culmination featured the beast with five eyes, a monk, a harp on fire, and two pixies.

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ROADS TO CRIME

March 11, 2019
Tags: ,

Phil, Phil, dumb as a pill

tried to climb a mudslick hill

When he slipped for the umpteenth time

he resigned himself to a life of crime

Ray, Ray, dumb as a tray

tried to swim in a vat of clay

Stuck stock fast for the longest time

he resigned himself to a life of crime

Pam, Pam, dumb as a clam

tried to walk on a lake of jam

Sinking time after time after time

she resigned herself to a life of crime

Don, Don, dumbest of all

outwitted by a billiard ball

As spawn of Satan, as orange slime

he devoted himself to a life of crime

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – BEATRIX POTTER

March 10, 2019

Loon: For the 3 Question Interview today, we welcome a lady named Beatrix Potter. First ques … Eeek! Is that a mouse in your hand?

Ghost of Beatrix: Certainly it is a mouse.

Loon: Ack! What’s that on your head?

Ghost of Beatrix: It is my hedgehog, Hermione.

Loon: Ugh! What crawled out of your pocket?

Ghost of Beatrix: My vole, Henry Tremblechin.

Loon (fleeing): Aaaaargh!

Ghost of Beatrix: Silly man.

Vole: What’s for lunch?

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THE TURNING OF CORNERS

March 9, 2019

He turned the corner and entered the bakery to enjoy his morning bearclaw.

He turned the corner of the page down to mark his place.

He turned the corner on the long road to recovery.

He turned the corner office into a storeroom for his Cabbage Patch doll collection.

He turned the corner and bulled his way into the end zone.

He turned the corner kick into a goal by heading it into the net.

He terned the coroner, peppering him with sea birds.

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THE BRONKO NAGURSKI KWIZ ANSWER

March 8, 2019

Convenient access to sunflower seeds was important to Bronko.

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THE BRONKO NAGURSKI KWIZ

March 7, 2019

Bronko secreted under his high domed helmet:

a. 4 hamburgers.

b. 1 cantaloupe.

c. 1 modest head of lettuce.

d. 1 paper bag full of sunflower seeds.

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AN INCIDENT

March 6, 2019

The storm lashing the town at noon went completely undetected.

Ten minutes earlier:

Tim Ketchum wore a carbon cap.

James Billet tickled the lame rabbit.

The Widow Hanley was seen brandishing a knife at Monroe Harper.

The stones stacked at the end of Main Street disappeared one at a time into Tredmont’s Saloon.

Ed Tilton adjusted his hat and scratched the end of his nose.

The Logan boys ducked out of sight. It was plain to see that they were up to no good.

Hark, Doc Selmon’s dog, trotted home.

The hovering spacecraft unsheathed its weapon.

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FOUL FOWL RECIPE

March 5, 2019

Chicken Piano

117 chicken breasts

1 piano

Pound the chicken breasts with a sledge hammer until your own breast is heaving with exhaustion. Scrape up the resultant slime with a snow shovel and deposit it adjacent to, but not touching, your favorite piano. Smooth with trowel. Sit yourself down at the piano. Play ‘Kitten on the Keys’ before setting the piano ablaze with a flamethrower. When the piano has become a memory, the chicken slime will be perfectly cooked. Lick it off the floor or skate on it, as desired.

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