FLEET BISCUITS

August 20, 2016

fleet biscuits

a dry remedy

for charms lost

and bitterness found

on the muscled plain of no return

to a dilapidated harmony

faltering

fleet biscuits

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THE GLORIA SWANSON HAIR KWIZ ANSWER

August 19, 2016

Once in a while Gloria would place her hairpiece on the turntable and give it a spin to hear Ethel Waters singing the blues.

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THE GLORIA SWANSON HAIR KWIZ

August 18, 2016

gloria swanson vinyl hair

Gloria produced this hairdo by:

a. melting an Ethel Waters record to pliable and shaping it lovingly to fit her skull.

b. shaping a thin layer of tar and laminating it.

c. melting wax over her head and painting it with ink.

d. dousing her hair in water, combing it, then pressing it down with an iron and swabbing it with glue.

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GEORGE AND JEAN

August 17, 2016

george plimpton met jean shrimpton going to the fair

said george to jean ‘have you seen a man with a grizzly bear?’

said jean to george, ‘he’s at the forge with the blacksmith’s flunky.’

said george to jean, ‘peachy keen. then all is dory hunky.

now i must be off to the water trough where i left my favorite monkey.’

jean shrimpton sighed and waved bye-bye and turned without a care

to continue on her journey to the mandatory fair.

 

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A TASTE OF THERE

August 16, 2016

Priscilla Raines opened the door to infinity and stepped through. It wasn’t even close to as serene as she’d imagined it would be. For starters, the plank walkway heading out onto the jetty was roughly hewn, crisscrossed with mismatched nails and rusted bolts and the occasional neon spike. The sea itself gave no comfort, gray as it was and motionless, marred only by worms rising to spit, then sinking away. When Priscilla moved along the walkway, she couldn’t help but notice the air dolphins, beaks laden with tennis rackets, spinning high above her. This will never do, thought Priscilla, and she retreated back through infinity’s door.

‘Well, how is it?’ eagerly asked her roommate, Penny.

‘The crust is the way I like it, and the cheeses blend well, and the veggies are tasty and plentiful, but next time no mushrooms,’ replied Priscilla.

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PROLOGUE

August 15, 2016

window

man approaching window to have a look outside

crazed thespian finding a dagger

advancing army of cockroaches

door

landlady about to knock on door and demand overdue rent payment

landlady’s arch enemy preparing to leap

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – CASPER

August 14, 2016

Loon: What a treat we have today. The Lords of the 4th Dimension have brought to us for the 3 Question Interview the one and only Casper, the Friendly Ghost. Tell me, Casper, who were you before you were a friendly ghost?

Casper: Tee hee hee.

Loon: Oh, my. Don’t be shy. Are you really that shy?

Casper: Tee hee hee.

Loon: I’ll turn around so you don’t have to look at me. (turns) There. Now, is there something, anything at all, you’d like to tell the millions of people out there listening?

Casper: Tee hee hee. (whooshes away blushing)

Loon: Well … (turns around) Oh, you’re gone. So … there you have it! Tune in next week when another celebrity ghost undergoes a 3 Question grilling. (produces Necco wafers from a pocket and wanders off snacking thoughtfully)

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A SENTENCE BY RODDY DOYLE

August 13, 2016

-Yis don’t want to be called And And exclamation mark And, do yis? Jimmy asked.

from The Commitments. Proper funny, yeh know.

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THE NOVA PILBEAM KWIZ ANSWER

August 12, 2016

Nova’s karjalanpiirakka won the Helsinki Bake Off three years running in the early 1950s.

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THE NOVA PILBEAM KWIZ

August 11, 2016

nova pilbeam

This British film star of the 1930s and 1940s was also:

a. an accomplished track star specializing in the steeplechase.

b. a world class chef specializing in Finnish cuisine.

c. a literary scholar specializing in the works of Mark Twain’s cousin, Porky.

d. a skilled seamstress specializing in aprons for infants.

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