THE MARGARITA CANSINO KWIZ

April 12, 2019

In answer to Margarita’s question about the fairest of them all, the mirror says:

a. ‘You will be.’

b. ‘You’re good to go now, but wait ’til later.’

c. ‘Solomon’s got the rep, but there’s this really fair guy in Billings, Montana. So it’s a tossup.’

d. ‘I’m under contractual obligation to hype the evil queen’s beauty. Sorry.’

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NONSENSICAL NONSENSE

April 11, 2019

The Lizard of Gauze

Once upon a time a cruel carpenter and his savage beast set out to find and subsequently steal the Cube of Flavors from the Tree of Pensive Contemplation, which, according to legendary lore, grew somewhere east of the Great Chambered Mountain of Ken. Unfortunately for the evil pair, they fell into a Spanish ravine within the first half hour of their journey and were consumed by the Thunder Bull Lizard of Gauze. The Lizard, on the other hand, scuttled quite merrily across river and dale and roy and trigger, finding and subsequently consuming the Cube of Happy Flavors and the Tree of Pensive Contemplation before moseying back to live forever in the Great Chambered Mountain of Ken. Ken was quite perturbed, and rightly so.

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THE ENCHANTED BARRIER

April 10, 2019

When the itinerant peddler chanced to encounter an enchanted barrier of lavender blooms deep in the forest, he proceeded cautiously, but not cautiously enough. No trace of him remained.

The peddler’s wife, alarmed when her good husband failed to return home, searched the woods for days. At last, she stumbled into the presence of the enchanted lavender barrier. More cautious than her good husband, she paused and sat down to think.

“If, strange and beautiful barrier, you are enchanted as I believe you are, you will grant me one wish,” said the peddler’s wife.

“You are observant and thoughtful,” said the barrier. “State your desire.”

“Return to me my husband fully as merry as always he was,” said Gerda, the wife.

No sooner said than done. The barrier disappeared. The good husband stood baffled, but merry. The pair returned home and lived happily ever after.

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THE ELEPHANT AND THE TAX CONSULTANT

April 9, 2019

The elephant and the tax consultant moved to the starting line and crouched low, preparing to hurl themselves down the track. The starter, a renegade lumberjack, raised her pistol. Neither elephant nor insurance adjuster spoke a word, but both peered through slit eyes of rage at the innocent sky. Insufferable insults had been exchanged days earlier at the boxcar convention, and now the result, a 100 yard race of hate, was about to play out to its inevitable forensic conclusion. Microphones were installed in the dirigible overhead just as the renegade lumberjack fired the pistol. The insurance adjuster took an early lead, but was overtaken and trampled to jelly by the elephant. The people waiting around with bread and peanut butter were beneath contempt.

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GREEN OF SPRING

April 8, 2019
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OLDEN GOLDIE

April 7, 2019

HARRISON MULT, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW

Harrison Mult, attorney-at-law, posing as if being considered for a seat on the Supreme Court, studied the menu.

“Hello, my name is Legion. I’ll be your meal escort today. Are you ready to order, sir?” said the waitress, pen at the ready, hair bunned, glasses on chain, focus located.

“I was born ready,” said Harrison Mult, attorney-at-law, foot floor tapping, knuckle table rapping.

“What’ll it be then?”

“How fresh is the salmon?”

“I had to slap its face. It made a comment. Fresh enough.”

“I’ll have that and a glass of smoke.”

“Salmon and smoke. Will that be all?”

“That’s what she said,” replied Harrison Mult, attorney-at-law, eyebrow shaving, blonde at bar waving.

A citizen’s arrest was thereupon made by a stranger in a green trench coat. He turned out to be an armadillo. Fortunately, no newspapers survived, and silliness was kept at a minimum.

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APRIL AT WORK

April 6, 2019
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THE TRIS SPEAKER KWIZ ANSWER

April 5, 2019

Wearing two uniforms at once made Tris feel special on his birthday.

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THE TRIS SPEAKER BIRTHDAY KWIZ

April 4, 2019

Tris celebrated his birthday by:

a. punching Ty Cobb.

b. participating in a spitting contest with teammates.

c. stacking and balancing four baseballs on top of his head.

d. wearing a second uniform over his usual uniform.

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SPECKS

April 3, 2019
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