June 7, 2016
“Trout, is that you?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Splendid. Bring me a brandy. That would hit the spot.”
“Very good, sir.”
“And Trout?”
“Sir?”
“While you’re at it, replace the flowers in that vase. A bit bedraggled, don’t you think? And bring me my argyle socks, you know the ones. And my green scarf. A bit chilly in here, what? You might remind Cook to slice the cucumbers thinner. There’s nothing more annoying than thick cucumber slices. Rather barbarian, I’d say. Run along now, there’s a good chap.”
Trout withdraws and carefully closes the door. He looks left and right down the hall. Seeing no one, he shudders first to a cringe, then erupts into a wild rage of spinning dance, clenched fists waving, mouth open wide in silent scream. After a healthy moment, he subsides, composes himself, smooths his hair, and with firm purpose moves off to fulfill his duties.
June 5, 2016
Loon: Today’s guest brought to us by the Lords of the 4th Dimension for the 3 Question Interview was an opera singer of some renown, I am told. Welcome to Maria Callas. Tell me, Ms. Callas, what was Minnie Pearl really like off the stage?
Ghost of Callas (icily): I wouldn’t know.
Loon: I see. You didn’t mingle. Was Chet Atkins as nice a guy as he seemed to be?
Ghost of Callas (icily): I wouldn’t know.
Loon: Ah. Let me try something else. Did anybody ever joke around singing ‘How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?’ to you?
Ghost of Callas fades until almost all of her has disappeared. Her eyes remain. They stare icily at the loon for a frozen moment before they, too, wink out and are gone.
Loon: I’ll take that as a ‘No’. (bows, leaves room)
June 3, 2016
Timothy Tootsie also invented steam-powered hedge clippers.
June 2, 2016
Tootsie Roll Pops were invented by:
a. a secret consortium of renegade dentists.
b. a government funded dental think tank.
c. an anonymous food researcher, believed to be a dentist.
d. Timothy Tootsie.
June 1, 2016
Charles Bentlow slid from concealment behind the rhododendrons, furtively glancing to his left. Had he in addition glanced furtively to his right, fortune might have smiled and guided him to safety in the boathouse. However, his glance to the left lingered a beat too long, thereby solidifying in perpetuity fortune’s frown on Bentlow’s subsequent demise. For silently creeping toward Bentlow from the right, low and against the hedge wall, was The Fanged Wriggle. When it struck, Bentlow had no time to register surprise, fear, dismay, or alarm. He felt nothing when he disappeared in a series of violent jerks down the throat of The Fanged Wriggler. Dear reader, take heed. When emerging from concealment, always glance furtively left AND right.
May 29, 2016
HURRY!
FINAL FEW DAYS!
OUR 20TH SEMI-ANNUAL
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE!
PRICES SLASHED, NAY, DISEMBOWELED!
not valid where the wild fern grows
