THE PHYLLIS CALVERT VALENTINE KWIZ ANSWER

February 15, 2019

She regretted paying the sorcerer for that glimpse into the 21st century.

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THE PHYLLIS CALVERT VALENTINE KWIZ

February 14, 2019

Phyllis reacts when her unveiled Valentine turns out to be:

a. Hitler.

b. a churning mass of vipers.

c. a rhinoceros.

d. a glimpse of the future.

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ALTERNATIVES TO ‘WELL, I’LL BE DARNED.’

February 13, 2019

“Well, lop off my arms and call me Venus.”

“Well, get out the razor and render me hairless.”

“Well, dip me in vinegar and call me salad.”

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THE BIRTHDAY OF CHARLES DARWIN

February 12, 2019

the birthday of charles darwin is a many splendored thing

like rattlesnakes and barkeeps and a random drunken king

the birthday of charles darwin is a time to sit and muse

on the prospect of going shopping for a brand new pair of shoes

happy birthday, charles

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THEATRICAL ‘BREAK A LEG’ ALTERNATIVES

February 11, 2019
  1. ‘May your retinas be irreversibly damaged.’
  2. ‘Get leprosy.’
  3. ‘Slice off a finger.’
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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – THOMAS HARDY

February 10, 2019

Loon: What a privilege it is to welcome Thomas Hardy to this week’s Celebrity Ghost 3 Question Interview. I can’t help but ask if you were related to Stan Laurel. Were you related to Stan Laurel?

Hardy’s ghost: Not in the least. Why don’t you ask me something sensible?

Loon: Too bad about Laurel. I am told you made up stories about somebody named Tess and somebody named Jude. Wouldn’t Penny and Alan have been better name choices?

Hardy’s ghost: Possibly.

Loon: Finally, did you ever attend a 3 Ring Circus?

Hardy’s ghost: Day in and day out for the duration of my existence.

Loon: Thank you and good-bye.

(Loon inexplicably pirouettes from the room. Hardy’s ghost flutters a ghostly tie and fades.)

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OPENING NIGHT JITTERS IN THE DRESSING ROOM

February 9, 2019
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THE JESSIE MATTHEWS KWIZ ANSWER

February 8, 2019

Her Daddy would not buy her a bow-wow.

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THE JESSIE MATTHEWS KWIZ

February 7, 2019

Jessie was pensive wearing her outdoor dining ensemble because:

a. Daddy wouldn’t buy her a bow-wow.

b. her sister got to wear a gaudier costume.

c. her elephant died.

d. she lost her Rudyard Kipling autographed cricket bat.

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GOLDEN OLDIE

February 6, 2019

grape>>>>>>>yada yada>>>>>>>raisin

plum>>>>>>>yada yada>>>>>>>prune

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