October 19, 2011
While engaged in research for his dual roles in ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’, Fredric March discovered:
a. a new element.
b. a bag of golf clubs he thought he’d lost forever.
c. that dogs attacked him viciously as Henry Jekyll, amorously as Edward Hyde.
d. a different way to enter a submarine.
e. how, as Edward Hyde exclusively, to communicate with furniture.
October 18, 2011
Dracula N. Peabody, Physician at Law, rummaged through a heap of trash searching for the Golden Ring of the Charming Dragon, an item lost by his client, E. Frame Zim Ballast, crusher of violins. If successful in his search, Peabody would be able to pay the ransom for the Stag Hound Princess sheet music. Gaining the sheet music and playing it on special pan pipes would secure for Peabody a never ending contentment not unlike rowing across a lake in a grinning stupor instead of a boat. Such a contentment would reside forever in his heart and bile ducts and another organ of his choice as long as he kept himself dusted daily with cinnamon powder. Contemplating all of this while beads of sweat dripped from his nose and garbage slime slithered up to his elbows and knees, D. N. Peabody, Physician at Law, decided contentment was overrated, and therefore, he abandoned the search. He later ran for Congress and lost to a chipmunk.
Moral: Don’t chew off more than you can bite.
October 17, 2011
The loon maintains his brain in the form of a hat on a colorful pillow.
October 16, 2011
An army of harvester ants
One day invaded my pants
Birds of a feather
Gathered together
And pecked at ’em, making me dance
October 15, 2011
‘The only drap o’ gentle bluid that’s in your body was our great-grand-uncle’s that was justified at Dunbarton, and you set yoursell up to say ye wad derogate frae your place to visit me!-Heark thee, man, I owe thee a day in harst-I’ll pay up your thousan pund Scots, plack and bawbee, gin ye’ll be an honest fallow for anes, and just daiker up the gate wi’ this Sassenach.’
Huh?
October 14, 2011
“I suppose you’ve got a better way to communicate with the sky giant.”
October 13, 2011
The last scoundrel finished with a time of precisely one hour, a full fifteen minutes after the first scoundrel had breasted the tape. At the scoundrel after party, the last scoundrel was thoroughly mocked and forced to wear the vestments of an apprentice beekeeper. So chagrined was he that he lashed out in fury at the jello mold and reduced it to a slimy green no-man’s-land mess. That showed them.
October 12, 2011
There was a militant boar
Who perched on top of a door.
When asked for the reason
He fiercely cried “Treason!”
That very strange militant boar
*
There was a recalcitrant cat
Who made her home in a hat.
When invited to play
She said, “Not today.”
That shyly recalcitrant cat
October 11, 2011
In a ZFL (Zombie Football League) game played last night pitting the Los Angeles Ghouls against the New York Undead, the ref signals touchdown when the ball and a few identifiable body parts of Undead running back Barry Graves land in the end zone.
October 10, 2011
The stylish potato gazed at his image in the mirror. Admiring what he saw, he flicked a mote of dust from his perfectly tied cravat.
“You’ve still got it, you handsome devil,” he remarked.
Whistling, he donned his top hat, took up his cane, and exited the room, blowing a final kiss to the handsome devil in the mirror.
“Oh, Mr. Freddy, you look splendid!” gushed the parlor maid, a reedy sprig of parsley if ever there was one.
“If you’ve got it, flaunt it. That’s what I say. I always say that,” stated the stylish potato, winking.
Then the house collapsed, and they were both killed.
