June 27, 2011
Curtain up
Scene
Interior of a bedroom. The walls teem with a variety of crustaceans. The floor is a havoc of carpenter’s tools, hods, calculus notebooks, tubes of sun screen, limes, etc. The single piece of furniture in the room is an army cot heaped high with sandwiches. A lone light bulb hangs from the ceiling. The room has no windows and a single door. The door is painted in vertical rainbow stripes. Slumped next to the cot in a filthy house dress and her hair in slovenly disarray is Mrs. Smith. She is smoking a cigar and weeping. The door swings open, and Mr. Smith enters. He is nude.
Mr. Smith: Honey, I’m home.
Curtain down
Repeat four times, collect money from the box office, and flee for your life.
June 26, 2011
The loon has decided to tattoo almost his entire body with this design. He will leave his nose and left ear unmarked. When asked why, he replied, “Sometimes it snows. Sometimes it doesn’t.”
June 25, 2011
In America the young are always ready to give those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience.
June 24, 2011
“That’s the same loser I led through the swamp all day yesterday with my condor shriek.”
June 23, 2011
Yes, our boy Jim accidentally invented the polka when he was inadvertently goosed by the scullery maid with a broomstick.
June 22, 2011
James K. Polk was our best president because:
a. he invented the polka.
b. his mother said so.
c. he was an early advocate of gremlin power.
d. deer loved him. He was deerly beloved.
e. he made an ardent, though unsuccessful, attempt to ban the harmonica.
June 21, 2011
Chapter One
Hurrying to foil the plans of the villain, Mabel leaps from the trestle to avoid the onrushing train.
Chapter Two
Mabel lands on the back of a friendly pterodactyl and is flown to safety. Later, she runs pell mell down the hill pursued by a herd of rhinos.
Chapter Three
Mabel falls through a crevice into the padded underground lair of a friendly merman, and the rhinos thunder by overhead. Later, she swims for her life carrying the merman on her back while she’s being pursued by twin anacondas and swept toward the falls.
Chapter Four
Mabel is sucked over the falls and plunges deep into the pool below where she arrives at the bubble city and is proclaimed Queen. The merman is proclaimed hat inspector. The villain’s plan is foiled. He gnashes his teeth.
The End
June 20, 2011
Here is the tri-billed stabber bird seeking something to stab.
June 19, 2011
Harrison’s servant questioned the rose closely.
“Do you swear on your honor as a comely bloom that my master will succeed in winning the hand of the handless maiden?” asked Harrison’s servant.
“I swear on my grandmother’s petal pushers,” replied the rose.
Satisfied, Harrison’s servant plucked and subsequently presented the rose to his master, who in good time placed it between the teeth of the handless maiden, who, it should be noted, nodded a vigorous yes when the matrimonial query was posed.
Years later, Harrison’s servant married a rose bush and built a three-handled ark.
Moral: He who hears the rose speak bears close watching.
June 18, 2011
“I remember a sweet, strange girl, with affectionate, bewildered eyes as if God had locked her in a dark closet without any explanation.”
I, too, remember Mamie Eisenhower.
