When Shirley Temple was introduced to Walt Disney, they:
a. exchanged haymakers.
b. compared dueling scars.
c. made biscuits and promised to keep in touch.
d. all of the above.
e. none of the above except c.
1. “May your retinas be irreversibly damaged.”
2. “Get leprosy.”
“Huh?” said the woolly mammoth, lifting his head from the bar and narrowing his eyes in a failed attempt to focus on Hilda, the bartending ocelot.
“Closing time. You gotta leave. I’m locking up,” said Hilda.
“How many? … What is … Have I been here today?” mumbled the mammoth. His trunk swept the bowl of peanuts onto the floor. “Oh, sorry … How does that make of me so far?”
The woolly mammoth’s head slumped to rest once again on the bar.
“Hey, I ain’t kiddin’. Time to go, pal,” said Hilda, and she came around from behind the bar and bit the woolly mammoth’s tail.
“Come in, the weather’s open,” slurred the mammoth, opening one eye, but otherwise not moving a muscle.
Hilda scratched a mammoth leg. The mammoth lurched sideways, falling heavily, crushing peanuts and peanut bowl.
“No need to … I’m … What am I?” said the mammoth.
“You’re leaving,” said the ocelot.
“You’re right … It is what … is … I am …”
The woolly mammoth knee walked to the door and through it, trumpeting back, “Don’t worry about … being worried … It’s not … What?”
Hilda locked the door before going to fetch the broom and dustpan.
#
“In response to that question, Senator, counsel has once again advised me to ‘Dive behind five and stay alive’.”
Happiness is a green and yellow parka …
probably …
somewhere …
for someone
The Eight of Diamonds
“I’ve decided to leave the deck,” announced the eight of diamonds dramatically one evening at the diamond dinner table.
Everybody looked at her.
“I want to become a bookmark,” she continued, spilling words quickly so as not to be interrupted. “They leave their books lying around open on their faces all the time. It’s criminal! Poor books. Their spines will be ruined.”
Everybody looked at her.
“A very noble thought, my dear,” said the queen calmly, adjusting her glittering diamond bracelets, “but surely, they’ll return you to the deck when they discover you in one of their books.”
“Not here!” said the eight, enthused. “Somewhere … else.”
“Oh, that narrows it down,” smirked the jack.
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” reasoned the eight.
The king sighed and said, “Now, now, let’s have no fuss. Eight wants to be a bookmark. Nothing wrong with that. Joker can fill in for her. I say go, my dear, if you must.”
Everybody fluttered in amazement. Eight jumped up and hugged the king. The jack twisted jealously in his seat. All the little numbers, five and under, squealed with excitement. Six and seven leaned together, wide-eyed, whispering. The ace was sent to summon the joker. Nine and ten embraced eight and wished her luck.
“Be off then,” said the queen in a strangled voice while diamond tears ran down her face.
“It’s for the best,” said the king, patting the queen’s hand.
“She was always your favorite,” sobbed the queen without adding, “Mine, too.”
The eight fairly flew down the street after slipping out under the door. She peered in window after window until she saw a book lying opened face down on the marble mantel of a fireplace. In a flash she was under the door, onto the mantel and slipping under, up and into the book, slamming it closed.
“Oh, thank you, miss,” said the book, which happened to be Oliver Twist.
“My pleasure,” said the eight, supremely pleased.
And she was the family bookmark for the next two hundred years.
Moral: Sometimes playing cards prefer to be working cards.
The Sentence
“I sentence you to six years in vaudeville,” said the judge.
“What sort of a sentence is that?” queried the baffled advocate.
“Declarative,” replied the learned juror.
Friendly little felines
Found a hornet nest
And though they all made beelines
The hornets did it best
The Little Engine That Could swung from the roof of the carriage house up and onto the roof of the East Wing.
“I thought I could,” she murmured to herself.
In the midnight stillness, she rolled inch by inch until she looked directly down on Lady Beverington’s balcony.
“I think I can,” she steam hiss whispered.
Very carefully, she hung by her cowcatcher for a long moment before dropping to the balcony with a muffled clank. She froze, waiting to see if the muffled clank had disturbed Lady Beverington’s sleep. Minutes passed. Silence. The Little Engine That Could tenderly pushed wide the half open door to the bedroom and entered. Scarcely breathing, she made her way to the wall safe, quietly steamed it open, and stole the jewels. She retraced her wheel ruts to the balcony, where she nimbly swung herself once more to the roof. A short roll later, she dropped first to the carriage house roof, then to the ground. Stealthily she made for the tracks beyond the southern border of the estate.
“Piece of cake,” she exulted after gaining the tracks and fleeing east to a rendezvous with her fence, the pasture fence at Miller’s farm.
#
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Doc's Lunacy
5 of 5 stars to The Great Train Robbery by Michael Crichton goodreads.com/review/show/55…
