LITERARY NEAR MISSES
July 22, 2009
Fahrenheit 452 In Cold Mud War and Fleece Moby Rick 1983 The Swayback of Notre Dame All Quiet on the Eastern Front A Farewell to Legs
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Anvil in a Lace Bootie
A blog for readers who have no time to read
THE STORY OF A STORY
June 27, 2009
Tags: literature, wainscoting
A story lay prone on the couch. A damp cloth was draped across its forehead. Sitting in a nearby chair was the story’s psychiatrist, notebook open and pen poised. The psychiatrist, by the way, was a box of rolled oats. “What would you like to work on today?” “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t care. […]
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5 of 5 stars to The Great Train Robbery by Michael Crichton goodreads.com/review/show/55…
toughest test yet for the shy shamus with minimal bladder control? Only the sandman knows, and he’s not talking. He’s chuckling, though.
NOIR BLURB #PulpFiction A friendly drunk shows up dead, and the party’s just beginning. The mean streets of Pasadena spew venom on private eye Prel Turpin as he unravels a classy dame and pays for it with a ceremonial bludgeoning. Could this turn out to be the
dada HOMILIES #dada In the land of broken emeralds the barber stands alone. To duel with an invisible sword is to invite a friend to dine. The only thing worse than killing a horse is finding a marble.
Dickens on the jaw. Both writers sprawled on the canvas, and the contest was declared a draw. The two of them were seen later that night in a pub, sobbing and singing.
through 8 were much the same, what with the Dane weeping and the Englishman chatting. However, in the midst of Round 9, in response to overhearing a cutting remark from the crowd about his knobby knees, Andersen fell forward weeping in grief, and his giant head clipped
gratification, Andersen covered up, sobbing on the ropes. Dickens became so verbose that he failed to deliver a single blow, and the round ended with Andersen retreating to his corner weeping. The crowd booed the lack of action, causing Andersen to burst into tears. Rounds 2
ANDERSEN/DICKENS FIGHT RECAP #Literature At the bell, the lanky Dane with the huge head, hands and feet burst into tears. Dickens advanced with a left jab, commenting, “Hans, I thoroughly enjoyed ‘The Little Mermaid’.” Bursting into renewed tears, this time tears of
2 of 5 stars to The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho goodreads.com/review/show/55…
THE VENISON POEM #poem #whimsy Venison is good to eat Especially if you’re fond of meat Even if you’re vegetarian You’d like it better than random carrion
pleasant kangaroo smiled enigmatically and played an Aussie lament on her slide trombone. An ostrich was later found drowned. Moral: When drowning an ostrich, it is wise to play a trombone.
THE PLEASANT KANGAROO #Dada #fable The pleasant kangaroo hopped to the assistance of a fallen wombat. In gratitude, the wombat donated an undisclosed sum to The Happy Walrus Foundation, which funneled the money into contraband krill. On learning of this development, the
4 of 5 stars to Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel goodreads.com/review/show?id…
ENTS IN TRAINING #Tolkien This is an image captured from the documentary film, ‘Young Ents in Training’. Here the young ents are running the hill. They do twenty reps, up hard, down easy, before moving on to leaping practice. pic.twitter.com/Ba2DfjgPwP
LITERARY NEAR MISSES #whimsy The Young Man and the Sea David Tinfield The Maltese Hawk The Sound and the Furry
THE RICH #cartoon “Frankly, Mother, I’d prefer not to hear about the time you went skinny-dipping with Fatty Chalfont.” pic.twitter.com/U3UKoYiAJy
LIMERICK #Limerick An exceedingly seedy young seed was determined to learn how to read She started with Joyce, an unusual choice for a seedy or unseedy seed
of Babe Ruth. Carved elk? Face of Babe Ruth. This particular carving of a Native American with the face of Babe Ruth may be found on the sidewalk where Strangler Pete met his doom, Phil Sessions.
OBSESSED WOODCARVER #story #dada Once there was a woodcarver who went by the name of Strangler Pete. His real name was Deborah LaMaze. Anyway, to get to the thing about him, he was obsessed with Babe Ruth. Every piece he carved had the face of Babe Ruth. Carved elephant? Face pic.twitter.com/d9KmQh35lX
ON CHOOSING WALLS FOR A FORT #Dada High or low? Fat or thin? Walls should be high enough to remove all possibility of your enemies simply stepping over them. They should be of a thickness not susceptible to collapse when lightly tapped.
DON’T ASK A LOON FOR DIRECTIONS #dada #nonsense “More courtly than sagacious, the lemmings of Carpathia often distribute clan-themed blueberry muffins to indigent cormorants,” replied the loon when asked if it knew the way to the train station. pic.twitter.com/2S6omwC7Tq
IMMENSE EGO #wordplay #Dada His ego was so immense that he had all the eucalyptus trees on his estate ripped out and replaced with mecalyptus trees.
CARTOON #cartoon “No, flowers. See? It’s only my granddaughter, not an emissary from the evil vegetarian vampire root sucker.” pic.twitter.com/lpXGqtjKPv
JUNGLE ADVENTURE #whimsy Up to my waist in the swamp, I struggled to pull the boat through the glut of reeds while cursing the leeches attached to my legs straining to gain freedom from the powerful sinking mud suction. Meanwhile, I worried about my credit card debt. pic.twitter.com/I1jEk0l44H
4 of 5 stars to A Day Late and a Dollar Short by Terry McMillan goodreads.com/review/show/55…
AD #dada BURGUNDY HAND SCARVES! formed in client-free tubs using absolutely no gelatin (well, a little) Buy 2 for the price of a fine cured ham! MAKE A STATEMENT OF STYLE AT YOUR NEXT BAIL HEARING Savor the envy of your therapist
CHARLIE CHAPLIN LIE #lies #dada When Charlie Chaplin traveled incognito to work on oil derricks in the desert, he went by the name of B. Tipton Stallworthy, Alice Roosevelt, Rollo Face, Pheasant Ramone, Just Plain Ken, Minnesota Flynn, Chirp Halfbrain, Stanley Krafchow, or Frodo. pic.twitter.com/C526y8gBtJ
4 of 5 stars to Serpico by Peter Maas goodreads.com/review/show/55…
CARTOON #cartoon “The final will be optional. You may take the test or leave $1000 in cash in my mailbox. Hahaha …... ha.” pic.twitter.com/9nTwEO5KEg
LIMA BEAN LOST ON THE NIGHT OF MANY MOONS #fairytale When crossing the red dune, the wizard failed to notice the magic lima bean falling from a tiny rip in his pouch. As a result, a needless beanstalk leading to nowhere grew on the red beach. pic.twitter.com/0jvDzIaY5E
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