WHY SPACE MATTERS

March 27, 2011

positive – a trophy negative – atrophy

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ANNOUNCEMENT

March 21, 2011

Spring has arrived. Time to replace the air filters in your army of life-sized Babe Ruth robots. Time to purchase that special sandpaper you’ve been dreaming about. Time to renovate your armada. Time to plant your wooden gremlins. Time to check in to your local clinic for delousing. Time to sharpen the spikes on your […]

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A VERY POOR CHOICE OF NAME FOR YOUR BABY GIRL

March 15, 2011

Trampoline

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HOW TO NAME A WORK OF ART

March 14, 2011

Okay, you’ve got your basic flower petals on cement following a rain storm. Now you need a title to make it an official work of art. ‘Flower Petals on Cement After a Rain Storm’ might spring to mind. Pay no attention to that thought. ‘Death of Spring’? Naaaah. What you want to do is go […]

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CONFESSION

March 13, 2011

“Yes, I did it. I did it all. Guns, moat, turnips, sponge cake, even the turkeys. And I’m glad. Glad, I tell you! Maybe now the clouds will stop watching me. HAHAHAHAHA” Sadly, the clouds continued to watch him. In fact, they beat him senseless with hocks of ham.

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4 BAD IDEAS

March 6, 2011

1. use leftover lasagna as a poultice 2. arm wrestle a stamp press 3. jump out from behind a polar bear and yell, “Surprise!” 4. flaunt your hula hoop prowess while wearing a tutu at a NASCAR event.

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SAWYER ALTERNATIVES CONSIDERED BY TWAIN

March 2, 2011

Before settling on Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain seriously considered four alternatives. They were: 1. Tom Carpenter 2. Tom Accountant 3. Tom Tobacconist 4. Tom Riverboatcaptain He was all set to use #4 when Livy pounded some sense into his head.

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ANOTHER NAIL SHOP

February 28, 2011

The loon is seriously considering opening a nail shop in his new community. There is a vacant space between two Starbuck’s across the street from a Starbuck’s on a block featuring only eight other nail shops. The loon, who considers himself always to be one step ahead of the law game, will be the only […]

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TOO CONSPICUOUS?

February 27, 2011

Carstairs: We’re too conspicuous, I tell you. Usher: Nothing of the kind. We blend right in. Carstairs: You’re kidding, right? Look around. Mightn’t green have been a better choice? Usher: You have no sense of adventure, Carstairs. You have to be bold if you want to advance. Carstairs (muttering): You have to be nuts. Usher: […]

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NEW HOLIDAY

February 24, 2011

The loon has decreed that from hence until forth the last Thursday in February shall be known as Livid Hummingbird Day, and celebrations appropriate thereto shall be observed with candid ferocity.

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