FRED DAFFODIL, PRIVATE EYE

April 22, 2014
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Morning slapped me like an angry platypus. My brain felt like it had been chopped and pureed by a band of angry aphids wielding barbed flails. ‘You’re an angel,’ I croaked when Wanda, my secretary, whose petals had seen the seedier side of the San Fernando Valley, poured a pitcher of gin down my face. […]

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THE BOARD CERTIFIED LEMMING

April 5, 2014
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Darwin Plaguemaster, the board certified lemming, approached the edge of the cliff with some trepidation and a bag of walnuts. He tossed one walnut over and watched its descent onto the crusty spikes far below. A faint nutty cry of pain drifted up to chastise the lemming. With a firm nod, Plaguemaster retreated to safety […]

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TO VANQUISH THE VANQUISHED

March 26, 2014

The sun, like a malevolent Belgian horse, rose savagely over the surly sea. ‘Ain’t licked yet, you bent rusty excuse for a literate worm!’ croaked Tarleton Skrebble, his sanity lacking defiance lifting feebly from the bobbing raft. ‘Hell you ain’t!’ boomed the suddenly appearing mega whale of death.

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THE RED RIVER DEMON

March 18, 2014

The Red River Demon, Laffering Peglet, his face a mask of dripping fangs, shoved several stacks of chips forward. ‘I call,’ he slurred from his rancid throat. Partridge ‘The Mole’ Hanratty showed his hand, three aces and a pair of threes. ‘Nice,’ hissed Laffering Peglet, his face a compendium of flashing daggers, ‘but not quite […]

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THE BITTERBAT CONUNDRUM

February 25, 2014

The Bitterbat household was all atizzy. For Clem Bitterbat, the criminally insane patriarch, had escaped the parlor. Sending out feelers collected from butterflies to all authorities, the Bitterbat household was taken aback when an armored division surrounded their compound. Urged to issue forth and reach for the sky, the Bitterbats complied, though not without quite […]

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THE MIDNIGHT KNIVES

February 17, 2014
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Be on guard. The Midnight Knives are afoot. They scritch, clanking along the cobbles in line, ever on the lookout for their next victim. What lo! Is this an unwary baker heading to task at a pre-dawn oven? The Midnight Knives arrange themselves in presentation mode and unfurl their banner. They sing: Good morning to […]

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THE CRAFTY ICHTHYOSAUR

February 10, 2014

Long considered extinct by her former business associates, the crafty ichthyosaur bided her time well north of Greenland in an ice cave of her own clever design. One day she would emerge, declare her claim to be sole owner of the portfolio, and assume all rights and honors theretofore to be spoken of or entered […]

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THE RECUMBENT POETS SOCIETY

February 8, 2014
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Event coordinator Alice Blant paces the length of the vast hangar making one final inspection of the 1000 hammocks. Alignment and spacing? Check. Cords properly tense? Check. Pillows plumped and placed perfectly? Check. Fringe on each hammock hanging with nary a tangle? Check. “All right, Blandings. Open the door!” shouts Alice Blant. Blandings manipulates the […]

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CAMPBELL’S EYES

January 28, 2014

Campbell’s eyes rolled from their sockets every midnight and ventured forth to terrorize London. Top hat jaunty and cape fluttering, Campbell’s eyes spun madly along the fog-shrouded streets. Drunken harlots and flocks of salvation mendicants flung themselves in terror from the oncoming surge of Campbell’s eyes. Sweeping in to a brew house, Campbell’s eyes demanded […]

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RED AND CLAW

January 21, 2014
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Red and Claw Harpoon, moonshiners from Odd Lake County, flung themselves away from the explosion. Tattered and bleeding, they swore revenge on Dave Shuttlesworth. Driving to town in their battered and bleeding Model T, they swore revenge on Tim Potfellow, proprietor of the General Store. Walking down Main Street, shotguns cradled in blood, they swore […]

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