FRED DAFFODIL, PRIVATE EYE

April 22, 2014
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Morning slapped me like an angry platypus. My brain felt like it had been chopped and pureed by a band of angry aphids wielding barbed flails. ‘You’re an angel,’ I croaked when Wanda, my secretary, whose petals had seen the seedier side of the San Fernando Valley, poured a pitcher of gin down my face. […]

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HENDERSON

April 17, 2014
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Henderson rose from the chair, advanced to the center of the room, paused, thrust his right leg forward, and stood stock still for a time balanced in this peculiar manner. ‘I do this sometimes,’ he said before he returned to the chair. His guests departed rapidly.

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THE JP MORGAN KWIZ

April 10, 2014
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JP glowers because: a. he can’t have dessert because he didn’t eat his broccoli. b. the minion he’s staring at brought the wrong gold plated mustache comb. c. he’s just been told wealth is not all giggles and pranks. d. no matter how much his heart yearns for it, he can’t unilaterally ban the accordion.

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THE BOARD CERTIFIED LEMMING

April 5, 2014
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Darwin Plaguemaster, the board certified lemming, approached the edge of the cliff with some trepidation and a bag of walnuts. He tossed one walnut over and watched its descent onto the crusty spikes far below. A faint nutty cry of pain drifted up to chastise the lemming. With a firm nod, Plaguemaster retreated to safety […]

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CANADA’S ILLEGAL SNAKE BOYCOTT

March 31, 2014
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has very little to do with this convention of alien death pods meeting to discuss a variety of nefarious plans.

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THE JUNE AND GYPSY KWIZ

March 27, 2014
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The Hovick sisters: a. kept a large net handy for when Mama went a little bit ‘off’. b. ,before hitting the big time, lived on orange rinds and bread dust for weeks on end. c. were as normal as blueberry pie spiked with vodka and chocolate chips. d. had IQs of 170 and UFO sightings […]

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THE AGNES MOOREHEAD KWIZ

March 13, 2014
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During the early 1920s, Agnes: a. lectured on personal hygiene at the Alamo. b. went over Niagara Falls twice in a barrel, once in a giant rubber ball. c. thought about touring as Abraham Lincoln in a one woman show. d. lived on a tugboat in New York Harbor. e. always carried a violin in […]

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ANOTHER GLORIA GRAHAME KWIZ

March 6, 2014

Gloria sits at her dressing table contemplating: a. what she will do to her lover if he overcooks the meatloaf. b. her next move in the dance of wits between her and Raymond Chandler. c. another day in paradise. d. what bliss it would be if that damn dog somehow stopped yapping.

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – IGOR STRAVINSKY

March 2, 2014
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Loon: Celebrity spirit interviewee for 3 questions today is the famous symphony orchestra conductor, Arturo Stravinsky. Tell me, maestro, are kettle drums really made out of kettles? Stravinsky’s ghost: Ah, the music, the music, the music. Loon: Yes, the music. Following up, and I must admit to having some inside information about this, were you […]

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THE VICTOR JORY KWIZ

February 20, 2014
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When playing Oberon in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Victor: a. wore this costume on set and off for the duration of the shoot. b. tried, but failed, to maintain dignity while wearing the twig hat. c. was not amused when Mickey Rooney borrowed his lipstick. d. dreamed of opening a bait shop in Saskatoon. e. […]

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