October 26, 2010
1. Don’t hire cannibal bellhops. (“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather carry your own luggage?” said the cannibal bellhop, struggling to control his naughty urge.)
2. Keep extra frogs in the cash drawer. (“We’re out of change, ma’am. Will you accept these frogs instead?”)
3. Hit random customers in the face with a sock full of confetti. (“Hurrah for independence, sir!”)
4. Sew the word ‘belt’ into your forehead with wire and jellybeans. (“I can help you if you need a belt.”)
October 25, 2010
The loon’s unicorn parks her Harley in this copse when she returns from her mud wrestling gigs in Modesto.
October 24, 2010
“Here’s my vision, see. We’ll tear all this stuff out, level it, and pave it over. Extra parking for the new tire burning factory next door, right? Am I a genius or what? A little further down the line, we’re hoping to drain the lake and make it into a state of the art garbage dump/federal prison.”
October 23, 2010
One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats, and if some of these can be inexpensive and quickly procured so much the better.
By Jove, she’s got it. And not only that, but she went and put it into the mouth of her narrator in The Sea, The Sea.
October 22, 2010
“You know, random thoughts drift through the mind as one plods along in a haze of boredom. And it just occurred to me that ‘whinny’ is a very funny word. Think about it. And ‘nicker’, too. Do you realize that we, as horses, both ‘whinny’ AND ‘nicker’?
October 21, 2010
The correct answer to yesterday’s kwiz is c, Charlotte Bronte. Charlotte Bronte did indeed invent the T-shirt with the help of an alien couple from the Crab Nebula. For you see, one day Charlotte was out back strangling rabbits for dinner when a flying saucer landed nearby. The alien couple, Urchstr and Janr, emerged to ask for directions. Charlotte willingly gave them the information needed re Antares, causing the grateful blobs of slime to inject into Charlotte’s brain the concept of the T-shirt. After the saucer sailed off, Charlotte promptly went into the house and crafted the very first white shirt of the T variety. She sewed ‘urchstr’ in black thread on the front and ‘janr’ in red thread on the back.
October 20, 2010
The T-shirt was invented by:
a. Mr. T
b. a tarantula
c. Queen Victoria
d. Charlotte Bronte
e. Liberace
The answer will be revealed tomorrow in this space.
October 17, 2010
People who think they’re smart are usually dumb and versa vice.
