MORE LOON HABITAT

January 6, 2010

The loon often brings birdseed here to offer to the ghosts of Pony Express riders galloping by.

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LOON RECIPE – CHICKEN PIANO

January 5, 2010
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Chicken Piano

117 chicken breasts

1 piano

Pound the chicken breasts with a sledge hammer until your own breast is heaving with exhaustion. Scrape up the resultant slime with a snow shovel and deposit it adjacent to, but not touching, your favorite piano. Sit yourself down at the piano. Play ‘Kitten on the Keys’ before setting the piano ablaze with a flamethrower. When the piano has become a memory, the pile of chicken slime will be perfectly cooked. Lick it off the floor or skate on it, as desired.

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HERMAN MELVILLE KWIZ

January 4, 2010

Herman Melville:

a. had a farm, e i e i o.

b. No, he didn’t.

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JESTERBEAST – FROM THE LOON’S IMAGINATION

January 3, 2010

This is Sadlar, a jesterbeast. Most jesterbeasts have pale blue goggle eyes. As you can see, Sadlar’s are yellow, marking him as a very special jesterbeast indeed. Sadlar designed and nurtured an amazing garden in Clover on the banks of the Greenwilla River.

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Artwork by Doc

THE FLAMES OF GOLD AND THE FATTED CALF

January 2, 2010

The flames of gold inserted themselves into sconces lining the walls of the throne room. The fatted calf entered, walked to the heavy oak table, and banged a broken scabbard thrice against his own snout.

“I call this meeting to order,” proclaimed the fatted calf, his fetid breath damaging the environment.

“Pepperoni,” said the flame of gold in sconce 1.

“And sausage,” softly added the flame of gold dancing above sconce 2.

“FEATHERS AND GRITS!” roared the unbalanced flame of gold wobbling and sputtering insanely over sconce 3.

“Hush now,” said the fatted calf while punching in numbers on his cell phone. “… Yes, I’d like to order 4 large pizzas, 2 pepperoni, 2 sausage, and none feathers and grits ……… Fatted Calf … My number is up, and I’ll canter down to get them myself.”

“Don’t forget the little packets of parmesan,” called the sconce 1 flame of gold to the rapidly departing fatted calf.

“AND BRING ME A PARTY HAT!” raged the hopelessly mad flame of gold flickering wildly above sconce 3.

The flame of gold above sconce 2 burned modestly content. She was really looking forward to her sausage pizza treat.

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Loon Stories by Doc

CARTOON FRIDAY 31

January 1, 2010

“Ladies and gentlemen, tonight on this first broadcast of a new year I come before you never having met the world renowned witty savant philosopher of unimpeded eptitude, brilliant, slashing and noble, the 21st century’s Solomon, friend of the universe, enemy to everything rotten in Denmark and beyond, the single greatest hope of mankind. To repeat, I’ve never before met this paragon of all that is holy … and neither has this clown on my left.”

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THE LOON’S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010

December 31, 2009

1. Behave like a rodent.

2. Get more shredded weevil into my diet.

3. Take a train to Madagascar.

4. Host a buzzard-emptying party.

5. Micromanage a harlot’s schedule.

6. Learn more about Captain Kangaroo’s stock broker’s accountant.

7. Skip every other Tuesday.

8. Work in a nightingale factory.

9. Pay off oxygen debt.

10. Replace lawn with a phalanx of demitasses.

11. Do more incoherent furious ranting.

12. Continue blaming magic elves for my own shortcomings.

13. Spend more time in the chimney.

14. Implant Hershey bar into the brain of a wallaby.

15. Stir fry a woodchuck.

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THE LAST RESOLUTION

December 30, 2009

The loon was in this mountain meadow. Bundled up warmly, he plowed through the snowscape. Safely zipped in a pocket of his parka, his list of New Year’s Resolutions for the year 2009 rested. Nine of the ten vows had been crossed off, accomplished, taken care of. They had been the easy ones, the ones concerning peanut butter, hamsters, tin foil, and robots. Now he was determined to accomplish the last resolution, and there was little time to spare. He raised the binoculars to his loon eyes and focused them with some satisfaction on the topmost branches of the great fir tree where he had seen the hawk glide to a landing.

“Hey, hawk! You call that gliding? Here, this is what you looked like,” said the loon, and he reeled crazily in the snow. “Oh, and you have a red tail. How original. Oh, yeah, and your fierce cry. Oooooh, I’m really scared. ‘Eep! Eep!'”

The loon pulled the mitten from his right hand with his teeth, unzipped a parka pocket, and pulled out a pencil stub and the New Year’s Resolutions. Holding the paper against the binoculars, he carefully crossed out #7, ‘to mock a killing bird’.

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CHARLES DICKENS KWIZ

December 29, 2009

Charles Dickens:

a. could juggle.

b. thought his ankles were too thick.

c. destroyed all evidence proving he invented the bendy straw.

d. always slept with his favorite pen.

e. shouted ‘Huzzah for Sparky!’ every once in a while.

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THE BO PEEP SHEEP REVELATION

December 28, 2009

The loon was up all night flocking these trees. At dawn, exhausted, he stepped back to survey his work. He was struck at once in the face by a revelation. So impressed was he that he shouted in glorious glee, “Bo Peep’s sheep weren’t missing! They had just robbed a stagecoach and were on the lam!”

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