GREED
July 3, 2017
BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – DOCTOR JOHN HARVEY KELLOGG
July 2, 2017
Loon: Today’s guest on the 3 Question Interview is the ghost of Doctor John Harvey Kellogg. The Lords of the 4th Dimension tell me he likes cereal. Doctor, why are you standing on your head?
Kellogg’s ghost: It makes my blood happy.
Loon: Are you going to stand on your head for the entire interview?
Kellogg’s ghost: Yes.
Loon: Will you continue standing on your head even after the interview is over?
Kellogg’s ghost: Yes.
Loon: Thank you for your insights. Good-bye.
(Kellogg’s ghost makes no comment, remains standing on his head. Loon eventually wanders away to the kitchen and finishes eating his bowl of Quaker oats.)
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LOON DIARY ENTRY FOR JULY 1
July 1, 2017
Ate the cobwebs off the windows in the garage. Saving the eaves for later. Removed 6 cartons of rabbit fur from garage and moved them into cellar. Couldn’t resist sampling cellar cobwebs. Ate 4. Will save the rest for later. Spent the rest of the morning standing on the roof. All afternoon I circled the house. Ate evening meal under my bed safe from spies. All in all, a successful day. Looking forward to more garage and cellar cobwebs tomorrow.
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THE LUCIANO PAVAROTTI KWIZ ANSWER
June 30, 2017
Getting to have that ball brought Luciano’s fondest dream to life.
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THE LUCIANO PAVAROTTI KWIZ
June 29, 2017
Young Luciano was dressed in this manner:
a. by his wildly fashion conscious mother.
b. so he could lure bullies near enough to suffer his wrath.
c. because he knew the ball would be the reward for putting up with the indignity.
d. to sing at the Celebration of Strangeness.
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GOSSIP
June 28, 2017
Peasants gather to chat during their 30 second rest break.
Peasant 1: ‘The military attache has a pet lizard.’
Peasant 2: ‘More like the lizard has a pet military attache.’
Peasant 3: ‘There’s a wizard in the Imperial Guard?’
Peasant 1 and Peasant 2 toss Peasant 3 into the ditch.
Military attache’s lizard: ‘Here now, back to work, the lot of you!’
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GENERIC SPELL RECIPE
June 27, 2017
Steal lots of raw oats from a horse. Pass enough of them through your golden funnel into your cauldron to fill it half full. After midnight, infiltrate a bowling alley and scrape detritus from any single lane bumper. Return to cottage and drop scrapings into cauldron. Go to your well and draw enough water to fill your tea kettle. Throw filled tea kettle away while pretending not to. Draw more water from the well and put it in your hat. Return to cottage and pour contents of your hat into cauldron. Stir mixture with the blade of an oar vigorously until morning. Your generic spell recipe is now ready to be used to make potions. Potions are most powerful when any further ingredient needed to produce desired spell – eye of newt, ear of politician, etc. – is added to 1/2 cup of generic spell mix.
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DOG BOOK TITLES
June 26, 2017
Tag, Dog of Industry
Lassie Does Hawaii
Pocket Dog
Thimblebrain, The Ice Skating Airedale
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THE LAND OF PIE
June 24, 2017
Once upon a time in the Land of Pie a call went out to all the cherry wedges scattered here to yon and back again to gather at once on the Platter of Display in the Central Courtyard.
‘What can this be about?’ asked Mavis, a slender cherry wedge hurrying through the rhubarb patch.
‘We’ll know when we know,’ answered Helen, the slightly more abundant cherry wedge sister of Mavis.
Before long all 8 wedges of the royal pie had assembled in a proper circular round on the Platter of Display in the Central Courtyard.
Well?’ said 7 of the siblings in unison, directing their attention to sibling number 8, Judd.
The worried Judd responded, ‘The Land of Cake has signed an exclusive treaty with the Land of Ice Cream. We’ve been betrayed!’
‘Oh, is that all? I never liked ice cream anyway. Melting is so unattractive,’ said Helen.
An argument ensued, some calling for arbitration, others agreeing with Helen and urging everybody to go home and forget about it. Some blueberry wedges and a lemon wedge or 2 watched the debate with varying amounts of interest, a lot to none at all. In the end, Helen’s supporters prevailed, and all 8 wedges wandered off to 8 divergent destinations, from Custard City in the north to Crust Village in the south.
In 2 months time, having discovered they no longer could live without pie, the Land of Ice Cream declared the treaty with the Land of Cake nullified.
When the news got to Helen, she turned to her pecan wedge friend, Portia, and said, ‘Who cares?’
‘Not me,’ replied Portia, and she returned her attention to the checkerboard, where she proceeded to jump 2 of Helen’s vanilla tarts with her own chocolate.
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By this guy (grown old):
dochorton - at - live - dot - com
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5 of 5 stars to The Great Train Robbery by Michael Crichton goodreads.com/review/show/55…
