CABINET MEETING

June 13, 2017

(God and a coterie of subservient sycophants are seated around a table.)

God: I think each one of you should praise me in turn. Start.

Sycophant 1: You’re the best. You’re so great. I mean, my God! I’m humbled and grateful to be near you.

Sycophant 2: I’m going to bronze the clothes I’m wearing today in honor of your incredibleness.

Sycophant 3: I weep with joy to be allowed to exist in the same room at the same time with you.

Sycophant 4: The miraculous fortune I’ve been blessed with to be able to serve in some small way to lighten your burden will live in my soul forever.

Sycophant 5: I really like working for you.

God: You’re fired, 5. 6?

Sycophant 6: The greatest honor ever bestowed on me is this right here now, to be a pale and inadequate reflection of your greatness.

God: Class dismissed. Bring me a cheeseburger.

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HORRORSCOPE FOR JUNE 12

June 12, 2017

Living flesh should be avoided today. Sharpening your devices while hiding in the garage would be a suitable pastime. If you must go out tonight, carry an ox femur and wave it about from time to time in tandem with your best shriek.

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THE LAUREN BACALL POEM

June 11, 2017

lauren bacall, lauren bacall

whereforth, whyforth seemst thou so tall

your spidery fingers, your sultry glance

enrapture all nations, especially france

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PART OF A SENTENCE BY BERYL BAINBRIDGE

June 10, 2017

…he’d once touched the breast, by mistake, of a very nice girl in Dorset who had first run and told her mother and then vomited.

from EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, a novel about the sinking of the Titanic

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THE ED SULLIVAN KWIZ ANSWER

June 9, 2017

Ed’s lapsed insurance policy collection was second to none.

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THE ED SULLIVAN KWIZ

June 8, 2017

As a youngster, Ed Sullivan:

a. swam the Hellespont.

b. sold flyswatters door to door.

c. collected lapsed insurance policies.

d. dreamed of one day owning sheep and teaching a raccoon to herd them.

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EXHORTATION

June 7, 2017

oh double cheeseburgers of the land

with your glorious artery clogging talents

make haste to the white house

save us

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A POEM OF NO SIGNIFICANCE

June 6, 2017

A POEM OF NO SIGNIFICANCE

tumble of tire

the gutter whines

significant fire

industrial fines

rusted barbed wire

the oligarch dines

THE FIEND CHUCKLES IN ITS DEN

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THE BAD PUMPKIN

June 5, 2017

Long ago in the Realm of Flowers a pumpkin grew to be huge, orange, and rotten. It rolled and bounced viciously around the garden wreaking havoc. Its cruel laughter rang all the day throughout the realm. The flowers, at a loss for what to do, held a secret meeting late at night in the old abandoned greenhouse.

‘We have to do something,’ said the leader of the daffodils, renowned vanguards of Spring. ‘Here I have a sack filled with many white pebbles and one green pebble. Whoever draws the green pebble must do something to rid us of the evil pumpkin.’

White pebble after white pebble was drawn, and in time the sack was held out to the Rose siblings, Ivy and and her little sister, Daisy. Ivy, the eldest, drew first. White pebble. She sighed in relief. Her relief was short-lived, however, because Daisy drew the green.

‘I’ll go with you,’ Ivy volunteered instantly, and the pair of roses exited the greenhouse without delay.

‘What now?’ asked Daisy when they paused to rest next to the grassy knoll.

‘I have an idea. I’ve had it for a long time. When the horrible pumpkin begins bouncing and laughing at dawn, this time we’ll talk to it,’ said Ivy.

Daisy shrugged. She was reluctant to call her sister a fool. So she trailed her sister to the pumpkin’s patch and waited to see what would happen, all the while, mind you, prepared to run away like the wind’s faster cousin. Dawn broke as they reached the patch, and the pumpkin stirred. Daisy crouched, ready to flee.

‘Oh, pumpkin, you are so handsome,’ called Ivy. ‘I’ve heard that the fishes at the bottom of the river adore you. They have built for you a glowing orb and a crown of diamonds. They long for you to visit them and receive their gifts. All they ask for in return is to sing your praises.’

The horrible ugly fat rotting pumpkin’s brain seed quivered with greed. Then the horrible ugly fat rotting pumpkin rolled and bounced directly to the river, plunged in and was never seen again.

The Rose sisters were granted permanent positions at the top of the Grand Trellis.

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BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

June 4, 2017

Loon: I would like to welcome to today’s 3 Question Interview the ghost of someone the Lords of the 4th Dimension have informed me wrote Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson. So, Mr. Stevenson, which came first, the book or the movie?

Stevenson’s ghost: Don’t be daft, laddie. Movies didna exist when I was living.

Loon: Ah, interesting. Were you a pirate?

Stevenson’s ghost: Ha har, ye be a mite too inquisitive to my way of thinkin’, sir. I keeps me powder dry, I does.

Loon: And finally, if you could be any flavor of ice cream, which flavor would you be?

Stevenson’s ghost: Any flavor save haggis, if haggis ice cream exists.

Loon: Thank you for your insights. Good-bye.

(Loon enters the nose cone of a missile. Stevenson’s ghost puddles, freezes, fractures, dissipates.)

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