THE BLOOMSDAY TOAST
Here’s to –
Nora the barnacle goose –
Skin-the-Goat –
the giggle fit of bronze by gold –
the blind stripling piano tuner tap tap tapping along –
the dog’s rag of wolf’s tongue redpanting from his jaws-
Stephen deep in thought strolling on Sandymount Strand –
socks with skyblue clocks, jaunty –
Plumtree’s Potted Meats, which can make of each home an abode of bliss –
Rose of Castille and rows of cast steel –
met him pike hoses –
Come forth, Lazarus! And he came fifth and lost the job –
On his wise shoulders through the checkerwork of leaves the sun flung spangles, dancing coins –
Private Carr and his escalating oath –
lame Gerty limping, a dreamer –
those lovely seaside girls –
the heaventree of stars hung with humid nightblue fruit –
Could a swim duck? Says I –
yes
A MEETING OF THE SOCIETY FOR THE PROMOTION OF PURPLE
THE MARY ASTOR KWIZ ANSWER
bells, Bells, BELLS!!!
THE MARY ASTOR KWIZ
THE FOUL CONCOCTION
The foul concoction brooded at the bottom of the cauldron.
Why in the name of liquid brews everywhere did the crone add that last tincture of awareness to me? Trapped, nay puddled as I am in the depths of this ugly pot, what possible benefit can the awareness of my own existence bring to me? Pah! There she is again, looming above with her toothless grin. What now? An apple? Dipping an apple into me? Drip and gleam. Now I know! Yes! I cling to the apple for revenge. Who will bite it and taste my dark gift?
WAITING FOR THE MEAT TO BE DELIVERED
THE INDECISIVE MIRROR
The vain queen stood before the mirror and said, ‘Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’
The mirror, playing for time, replied, ‘Fair in what sense, your majesty? Equal pay for equal work? Educational opportunity? Whoa, I see by the steam issuing from your ears that it’s my opinion on beauty you’re after. Well then, bottom line, when you get down to the nitty gritty,it’s in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it. What can I say? Your own brand of beauty is certainly top notch, as any blind rabbit could see. In my opinion, you’re definitely in the top five now dwelling in the realm, which when you think of it is saying quite a lot really. And the other four can’t hold a candle to your queenly garb. If they did, we’d have queen flambe’. Ha ha ha.’
At this point, the queen wrenched the mirror from the wall and dashed it to pieces on the stone floor.
One of the shards managed to croak, ‘You! it’s you! You’re the fairest,’ but by then, of course, it was too late.
BANAL INTERVIEWS WITH CELEBRITY GHOSTS – ELIZABETH I
Loon: For the 3 question interview today, I’m humbled to be honored to be presented with the opportunity to offer questions to the most famous Queen of England I know of, Elizabeth the First. Welcome, your regal serenity. May I call you Betty?
Ghost of Elizabeth I: No, you may not.
Loon: Very well then, your gracious royalness. Might I inquire as to the number of precious gems combined in your tiara and your fantankulous gown?
Ghost of Elizabeth I: No, you may not.
Loon: Very well then, your supreme high mightiness. Perhaps you would allow me to query you concerning your wig?
Ghost of Elizabeth I: No, I would not. (spins away through the wall like a dervish)
Loon: Join me next week when I’ll grill another ghost with 3 probing questions.







