November 27, 2016
Loon: Welcome to the 3 Question Interview. Today the Lords of the 4th Dimension have brought to us a former president of the United States, Mr. Woodrow N. Willman. Mr. President, how do you keep those little nose pincher specs from falling off?
Wilson’s ghost: I tilt my head back slightly, and my name is Wilson, not Willman.
Loon: Oh, sorry. Second question. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?
Wilson’s ghost: I think I would have liked Phish Food, had I lived to taste it. It looks to be scrumptious.
Loon: I like vanilla. Finally, if you could be anything made out of wood, what would you be?
Wilson’s ghost: A roll top desk.
Loon (beaming): Thank you, Mr. President. And all of you out there listening, please remember to join me again next week when I grill another celebrity ghost in the 3 Question Interview. Until then, drive safely, and don’t take any wooden nickels.
(Wilson’s ghost leaves, cartwheeling)
November 26, 2016
Spencer weighed his options. Should he or should he not inform the authorities? He had witnessed Billings removing the pink comb from the high nook next to the credenza. He had witnessed Billings subsequent exiting from the north wing giggling. Furthermore, he had witnessed Billings taking a seat on the lawn and beginning to comb the grass. Naturally, these events caused Spencer to consider informing the authorities. The problem, as he saw it, was that the last time he had informed the authorities, they had come round and beaten him senseless, necessitating for Spencer a prolonged stay in hospital. What to do? What to do? In the end, Spencer retrieved the blue comb from the high nook next to the credenza and joined Billings. The pair of them combed the lawn together and shouted random obscenities far into the night.
November 25, 2016
She always sat down to a bowl of chicken noodle soup when she completed her 100 mile run across Patagonia.
November 24, 2016
Babe Didrikson always spent Thanksgiving:
a. punting on the Thames.
b. kayaking east of Zanzibar.
c. skiing on Mt. Everest.
d. running cross country 100 miles in Patagonia.
November 23, 2016
The plebeian aardvark directed the movements of her troops from the top of a knoll. The harsh cry of ‘Advance!’ tore from her throat as she pointed with quivering rage at the enemy encampment. The aardvark army surged in response, spilling madly across the plain. Neck muscles tensed. Teeth ground. The armies crashed together. Cries of victory mingled with cries of agony and death. When night fell, silence reigned. The plebeian aardvark, victorious, moved through the mounds of dead.
‘That’ll teach ’em,’ she said.
The moon on high remained indifferent.
November 22, 2016
The other day I encountered this parade of trees moving south. Curious, I asked them where they were headed. They replied, ‘We are marching to Pretoria.’ Confused, I returned to my room and stayed there for a very long time.
November 20, 2016
Loon: For the special Thanksgiving edition of the 3 Question Interview, the Lords of the 4th Dimension have brought one of the hosts of the 1st Thanksgiving at Plymouth Plantation, a Mr. William Bradford. Tell me, Mr. Bradford, was Miles Standish short?
Bradford’s ghost: He was a short person.
Loon: I thought so. Did Squanto eat more than his share of squash at the celebration.
Bradford’s ghost: No, he did not. He showed us how to plant corn and where to take fish.
Loon: And finally, did you eat a lot of buffaloes?
Bradford’s ghost: By the grace of His providence, I admit to ignorance on the subject.
Loon: Thank you and good-bye.
(Bradford’s ghost nods, vanishes.)
November 18, 2016
9 out of 10 doctors say that eventually you would be unable to lift your arm to complete shaking your stick at all of Cookson’s books.
